An answer to prayer

May 4, 16

Jesse has moved back home! He came back on the 18th and things haven't been this good between us in years. He comes home at 5:30 and we either hang outside in the shed or sit out in the swing. We make it a point to have time to our selves to just sit and talk about what has happened throughout the day. We will sometimes go into the bedroom snd justvlay and talk also. I have always put the girls first, but now I see how important it is to focus on us and keeping our marriage strong. I have been trying to keep my mouth shut when it comes to bringing up the past. I'm focused on moving forward and being a better wife and most importantly, a better example of God and His love. I started the book, The Power of a Praying Wife and it has been a huge help. I started writing out the prayers and making a binder for Jesse. I read chapter 1 and at the end I decided to write the prayer out since I was reading it on our Kindle. It was a long one and I was trying to get it done before Jesse got home. I was cutting it close, but once I got it wrote out I prayed over it and closed up my notebook. Jesse called me about 20 minutes later and asked if I needed anything from the store before he headed home. We talked for a few and before we hung up he said, Love ya. He hasn't said that in years! I said, 'I love you too!' As soon as we got off the phone I praised God for answering my prayers. I know we are still going to have bumps in the road, but I thank God every day that Jesse is here and that God is in this with us. One day at a time, forever and always!

This too shall pass

April 9,16

This is been a hard week. Jesse decided to leave this week. He came and grabbed some clothes and left Sunday. Said he was staying at a buddy's house. He is angry, down right hateful, and I don't know what to do. He pushes people away all the time, he is scared of getting close to people and having them pass away. This is the month his dad passed away and he has never dealt with it. It has been 13 yrs and he is worse now than he was then. He beats himself up all the time and he thinks he isn't worth anything. I know that it is the devils doing, that he is putting Jesse through this torment, but what do you do when a person doesn't see that because they don't believe? Jesse came by yesterday and got his tools and loaded them and his tractor on the car trailer. Said he had a tractor motor to pull today and needed his tools. I asked him where he was staying and he said that he was sleeping in his 'buddy's' camper. What a life, huh? I said, 'you know you can't run forever, you gotta deal with things.' I said, 'You never said why you were leaving to begin with?" His response was that he was tired of the 'shit.' I said, 'What shit, me staying home and doing everything, while you run free?" No response to that one of coarse. I asked if he just needed a break or if this was for good and he said he would get back with me on that. I think he just wants to see me squirm, but it's not happening anymore. When he walked out Sunday, I gave him my ring and told him to take it, because it was joke when he gave it to me anyway. Well, before he left yesterday, he said 'your ring is over there in the shed, on the shelf.' I said, What am I supposed to do with it? Wear it again? He said, you can do whatever you want to... While I was watching him load up stuff I began to cry, but tried my best to control it, but it was hard. I wanted to make hateful remarks, hurt him because he has hurt me so much, but I kept saying over and over Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast... We have been through tons, this isn't the first time, but it has got to be the last. Before we didn't have kids, now that we do things are different. He can't play these stupid games and not think it's going to hurt them. Miss Jenna cried most of the day at school Wednesday, and I didn't make her go Thursday. They were out of school Friday so we ran around in Princeton and rented movies to watch that night.
      I am learning through this though. We are doing a bible study and the focus of it is to realize that you can not be filled up by People, Positions, or Possessions. In part 1 she talks about 'how this young girl is sitting with a young man and is so badly wanting his acceptance, but that her heart is longing for answers no man will ever be able to supply.' She asks, 'Have you ever let flawed self-perception negatively affect you? Trying to become more acceptable, more worthy, more lovable... She says, 'it became her pattern and WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THOUGHT consumed her way of doing life. I've been there. I am there still. She goes on to say that, 'life can be rough on a woman when her heart gets snagged, entangled, broken, and sometimes shattered in ways beyond repair.'  In chapter 1 she talks about how at a young age she felt that she wasn't acceptable the way she was. In the video she talks about when she was younger, she wanted her dad to tell her that he loved her, but because he was a broken man, he couldn't so she would look to others to fill that void. Well, if that wasn't an "Oh Crap" moment. I thought oh great, a study about 'daddy issues' just what I want to do. Well, God had another plan and He knew this season was coming ahead for me.
On page 18 it says, 'Who I thought I was one day fell apart the next. I also was haunted by hurts from my childhood. My father walked out and I felt totally abandoned. Pg 20-21 she talks about how she had prayed and was doing her part on being a good christian girl and God was keeping up His end by healing her little sister who had to have a liver transplant. Things were going good, until she got word her little sister had passed and she says, 'An anger she never knew existed erupted from some deep place within her. She had tried to be good enough to earn His love, but just as her earthly daddy had done, she felt like her heavenly Father had just turned away.' I have been here, I was so angry when my Granny passed away, and I was that way for over a year. I wasn't at peace, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, why I couldn't be happy. Then I felt like I needed to start going to church. My Granny had always prayed for me and when others needed prayer, I went to her to pray for them. I always said my bedtime prayers, wasn't that enough?? I soon found what was missing. I needed God. I needed Him to heal me, to give me Peace. I understand where Jesse is, I know why he is the way he is, but he hasn't found God yet. He is running, chasing things to make him feel better instead of God. I am writing this because I believe God is working, I believe Jesse will find God, and be saved. I know my God is bigger than any trial that comes our way, and I am praying. My faith is in the Lord and the devil can go back to hell where he belongs. God has already defeated him, and he has no place in my family! I have been praying for a long time that Jesse's walls be broken, and I believe God is working on it. It's not going to be easy for Jesse, but it will be worth it. It's not easy on us, but if it grows my faith and helps me become a better person, I'll put on my armor and endure the ride. I feel at peace today, I was up late last night reading, watching the movie War Room, and praying.
I am learning that I can't depend on Jesse to fill up the void my dad left, the void divorce left, the void of losing my step dad left, the void the passing of my Granny left, the void of thinking I will never be good enough... only God can do that. Just like I can't fill the voids Jesse has from his losses. I have tried so hard to be who I thought Jesse needed that I lost site of the fact that it is God's job to fix him, not mine. Jesse will never see things the way I do because no matter how good I think I am being, that doesn't out weigh his hurts.
Jeremiah 29:11 is a popular verse, but look at verses 12-13 too 
For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me, and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'
 Seek with all your heart, not just some of it. How can you seek with your whole heart when you are trying to give it to others to fill up? I have got to realize I am not the child of a broken home, and I am no longer the person who was abandoned by others. Those are circumstances but not my identity in Christ. Despite my feelings, my identity always stays the same. I am still a loving mom, a great wife, a giving person, and a forgiver. From now on I have to remind myself to let Jesus be the only measurer of my worth.. God never intended for us to rely on others for our sense of well-being. Only He is equipped to provide that. His perfectly stable, unshifting, unconditional love is the only real measure of my worthiness. Psalm 68:5 promises that God will be a Father to the Fatherless. He can and will fill in every gap left by others. As long as I daily make the choice to be guided by His truth, He replaces my hollowness with a wholeness. I have to rest my heart in Jesus only. God loves me and there must be a reason for allowing this season in my life. 

John 15:9-11 

9. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10. 

If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11.

 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

Notes from Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa Terkeurst

On a positive note

Well, on a positive note, I finally heard from dad yesterday! He is in a different facility this go around and as long as he is in receiving he can only call 2 times a month or it said 60 minutes on his card. I guess they didn't allow him full time last month because he wasn't there a full 30 days. Anyway he's going to try to just make 10 minute calls to see if he can call more often. We will see how that goes, but at least I know he is ok and that nothing was wrong. As soon as I saw the number it was like a huge weight had been lifted and I thanked God that it was finally him. I had written him a letter telling him he has got to realize that he needs God. That God is his Savior everyday, not just when he is locked up. He told me he had been praying a lot and that he has been studying and reading. I have heard this before, but unlike anyone else, I believe him. I always do and usually end up disappointed, BUT if I don't believe in him then who will?? He has to have a positive support system or the chances that he stays clean and on track are slim to none. Why put myself in that position? Why keep giving him chance after chance?? I believe that is what God wants me to do. Do I have it all together and know what I am doing? Not all the time. But I try and that is all God wants any of us to do. He knows we are going to stumble and fall, but that is why He died for us. I'm not letting people take advantage of me, I am full aware that they may stab me in the back, but God is looking to see if I am learning along the way and letting Him lead. I know what my dad can become if he just lets God in. God's promises are for everyone who believes in Him not just the ones who think they deserve it more. God loves my dad AS IS. He is just waiting for him to be ALL IN so He can finish the good work He has chosen for him. We were all at one time or another displeasing to God, just because you are a believer now, doesn't mean He loves you more than before. He died for us knowing we had our backs turned to Him, but He knew we needed someone to depend on. Life is hard, people are horrible at times, and our emotions get the best of us. He knows that. He was tested and tried by all, so He stood up when no one else would. This was the verse I picked 3 years ago to hold onto..
 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. I will always hold out Hope that the people I love will see what God has planned for them. 

I will always keep HOPE. That is who I am. Some may look at me and think I am a fool, but I am the one who will have to answer for how I treat another human being. And I will always hold out hope that ALL my loved ones will be in Heaven with me one day. 

I was asked if I knew my Blog was public.. Insinuating that maybe it shouldn't be. My thought on that is that I am an open book. If you can learn something from me, by all means! I also want people to know that just because someone goes to church, doesn't mean they have it all together. If anything the devil will hit a believer harder than anyone else because he wants you to turn your back on God like before. So, I am a mess at times, but I believe in God and know because of Him I have eternal life with Him waiting in Heaven for me. Until then I am going to mess up, try my best to learn from it, and probably mess up on the same problem again. That's life. We mess up, and it is ok to do so! 

Spring Break??

It has been a rough week. When it rains, it pours they say. It has done that literally and figuratively this week. The weather was not Spring Break approved by any means. Both girls now are fighting allergies with stuffy noses and coughs. They have fought all week and J.L. has been so bored that she has done nothing but get in trouble. One day she decided it would be a good idea to color her hands with marker and then make print marks with them... on the bathroom door. She's aggravated her sister, and her sister has yelled... every 2 minutes! They rotted their brains (and mine) with more cartoons than humanly allowed to watch on any given day, and stayed up way too late. Spring BREAK?? Not here. I love my girls, but this has been the most stressful week. I'm stressed about my dad, the girls, finances, and J. Lee. I keep digging in like Pearl says and the devil just keeps fighting. J. Lee doesn't know God and judges things on his own thoughts, not truth. I see the devils work and how he is using him to get his way and when I say something I'm judgemental. We had a huge blow up Thursday which lead to him not coming home until 10:30. All because he said at 5;30 it wouldn't take long for him to be done and on his way. I tried to call at 8:30, no answer. Never fails. He will refuse to answer because he knows I will worry. How hard is it to come home? He would rather drive around in his truck and avoid responsibilities than be at home. What he doesn't see is that he is not just hurting me, but the girls too. He will say, 'there you go, putting the monkey on my back.' I tell him point blank that I can not do it all on my own and he comes back thinking I'm putting it all on him. I'm just asking for a little help. How hard is that??  Well, at 9 I called and kept calling because I was pissed off. He answered, finally and said he was just getting done. I didn't believe it then and still don't now, but I can tell you things are going to change. I do everything for him, and stay home with Jessica instead of running and blowing money. Well, if he thinks it's ok to run and do what he wants, we will too. The only way he is ever going to change is when he realizes that he needs God. I can't force that, but I can pray about it. I worry, he will never come around and about his life after here, but if he doesn't get it, that's on him, not me. He says I have changed, since 'I got that Bible in my hand.' But he says it in a bad way. I can't see how I have changed that much, maybe it's because I still see how far I have to go. I feel like when  he says, 'church ppl are a bunch of hypocrites' that he is judging me not vice versa. So far I have seen people judge us 'church goers' way more than I do them, and I'm still the bad guy. That's how the devil works though, he puts hate in them to where they think 'we' are all talking about 'them.' That is not the case. We are all just trying our best. The difference is I know I can not do it on my own, BUT I can when I let God lead. That is the hardest thing for me,and I fail at it daily. I have got to give it all to Him and step away. I feel like if I step back all of this will have been wasted. 20 years worth. I see that I am the only one fighting to keep it together and once I back away, J. Lee will just fall away. I have never been around someone where getting Saved was a bad thing. Not until now, and he should be the one that is happy about it. We are together, I am raising our girls right as in learning about God, and yet it still isn't good enough. I think in some way he thinks that I expect him to be perfect because I go to church.. I'm not even perfect and I am the one that got saved.. so how could I think he should be? I have never said that I expect him to be, but I think he knows he is doing wrong and wants to change, but doesn't know how. Once he had his heart attack, my anxiety got worse. He is alone most days so when he doesn't answer his phone, I panic. I know he is busy so I wait to hear from him. The longer the wait, the worse I get and he doesn't see that. He thinks he is being cute by hitting the fuck u button when I call and then he wonders why I get pissed off... Are we not past this crap yet, Seriously?? I feel like it is a never ending battle. We just keep going around the same mountain over and over. We have good days. Some weeks are great and I let my guard down and then BAM! It starts all over again.....

Shit Day

Shit day. That sums up my Saturday. Jesse had to get up and go to Scott's of coarse. I just don't understand why he can't spend time with us. If he has a chance to get away, he does. All I want is time with him and he is hell bent on not being here. Him and Scott cut down a tree up by Amy's and we had plans on grilling out once he was back from taking Scott home. That should of been around 1pm, but Raymond called and needed him to cut down some small trees for him so instead of coming home, he went up there. So, the girls and I grilled out by ourselves. Finally at 6pm Jesse came rolling into the drive way. I was not a happy camper and made in know in many different ways, just in case he didn't get it the first go around. Well, that ended up with him not saying 10 words as always, but managing to put it all back on me. I told him I am sure there is someone out there that would love to have a wife that did everything at home on her own and all she wants in return is time to spend with the person she married. I don't want his money, he blows through that enough all on his own. You would think by now we would be passed this shit, but no, it's the same argument every single time. He wants to run like he's single and I want to be with him. If he could just see what it is like to be me, for just one day, to be in my shoes, maybe he would get it. I'm home all the time, I love Jessica but her attitude is horrible some days and the way she treats her sister is ridiculous! It's very stressful and the way I cope is by talking to him or just sitting with him helps me. My anxiety SUCKS at times and all he can say is stop worrying... Oh if it was that easy. I don't sit and dwell on things, it comes when it wants to, without warning. He says, 'Go, do things, I'll see you when you get back.' Really? You are part of a family.. That means you do things together. He can't watch over the girls when I'm here how am I going to leave? I have never been able to leave him with the girls. I did 1 time, and never again. He fell asleep and Jessica was running around the house. I called and she answered his phone. I was scared to death and flew home as fast as I could. They are older now yes, but Jenna would get into something I'm sure and Jessica is so mean to her that she may tie her up if I leave he in charge. After feeling like shit I text John to see what they were doing. He never answers or says he doesn't know where we live just to be a pain in my ass, but he answered and said they would be over in a few! I about cried I am not even kidding!! Finally someone to talk to and give shit too! It's the simple things that matter. I just wanted to get out of my head and be able to joke around with people. It didn't take them too long and John, Bridget, and Jilllian were here. Thankfully. I didn't talk too much, Jesse and John wouldn't let us get in a word edge wise, but at least it broke the tension around here and got us out of our funk.
Sunday was Easter. Thank God for Easter!! We would all be in a world of hurt if Jesus hadn't taken on our sins for us. We got up and had breakfast and hung outside in the swing for awhile. It was nice and warm so we took a Gator trip over to moms and she gave the girls their Easter baskets. Candy, Candy, and more Candy. We stayed for awhile and then headed home. Poor Jenna's allergies were bothering her and she couldn't quit coughing. Once we were home I gave her some medicine and we were in for the evening. It stormed some, so it should rain the next 7 Sundays they say. Time will tell I guess. Jesse had to go and get his books for work so once he got home we sat out in the shed and talked with the kids yelling and screaming in the background. I think it did us some good. We have got to learn to take time for us without all the stress around. it use to be just us and we need that time still. I pray God works in our marriage. With my anxiety and with the walls Jesse has built up over the years. He is not the person he use to be before his parents died. It changed him, for the worse and he just will not deal with it. It has been 13 years and he is worse now than he was when they passed. We need God's work here or we will never make it...

Another day in the life of...

It's amazing how you can see the devil trying to work in your life when you learn to pay attention. Wednesday was crazy with our tire situation, Thursday Jenna woke up all stopped up because they had been outside the night before, it was raining, and we had to run to Princeton to get Easter eggs and candy. Jessica was in a lovely mood so it made the nasty weather even better. It never fails, she is going to ride her sisters butt for no reason when they are together. I'm constantly playing referee. On top of that there was still air in my brake line that Jesse didn't have time to get out the night before, so I had brakes, I just had to really work to use them. STRESS that is what the day was full of. I haven't been sleeping right lately, probably since may dad went back to jail, and I just can't seem to get a grip on things. Worrying about my dad isn't really forefront in my mind, but I know it effects my subconscious more than I think. I know that he is ok. I know that he is getting his medicine and he is not able to drink. He wasn't supposed to be drinking before, but Susan would get drunk and I'm sure he was too. With that said, I still worry about the fact that no one is promised tomorrow.

What if ( <----- that is the devils term) something happens to him in jail? What if he dies? He's on medicine, and I pray it is working as it should, but things happen. What if something happens to us? He can't just come home. He lost so much weight and looked horrible when he came home this last time. He can't afford to do that again. How am I going to get all his crap out of the apartment and where in the heck am I going to store it? These are concerns of mine, but I don't sit and dwell on them. I know like every other time, it will work out if I sit and worry about it or not. Jesse came home and was in rare form and decided that just for spite, he would stay out in the shed until 9. Just when you think things are going well, the devil reminds you that he is still very much present and working. I wonder if Jesse will ever get it and at times I think I'm a fool for still being here, but like Pearl said, 'that's when you dig in Jen.' We have so many different views on life that it is almost scary and now that I am saved I worry about his salvation more than he does. It would be different if he would give me a little sign of hope, but it hasn't happened yet. In fact it seems like he does the opposite just to prove that he can. Friday once I woke up I checked Facebook like I do every morning. Who needs a newspaper when you have Facebook, right? Well, wouldn't you know it, my 'first love' accepted my friend request... I remember sending him one 2 yrs ago when I saw that he was listed, but never give it anymore thought. I figured he wasn't ever on or ignored it. Of all times for him to be on. Right after Jesse and I had not been seeing eye to eye the night before... That's how the devil works. It seems like that is how this crazy world works. Test after test. There are times where I get so tired of trying. I try my best, feel like I am really the only one trying bc I know what is expected of me, my feelings are constantly getting in the way, and yet I see people that don't go to church or have God in their life, living free with no consequences.I know the devil leaves them alone because he has them where he wants them, but damn. What about the peace Christians talk about? Am I ever going to get there?? Probably not since I tend to beat myself up or never stand up for myself. I know God doesn't expect perfect, but if I did what I really want to do, I wouldn't end up in Heaven either!!

 Mom, Sue, Cami, Jenna, Jessica, and I went to Princeton and saw Zootopia at the movies. It was cute and I think everyone had a good time. Cami had to go back home that evening so we gave her an Easter basket and she brought the girls some candy and cupcakes!! Just what they needed :) Jesse came home around 6;30 and we hung out in the shed for awhile. It was chilly last night but supposed to be warm today, 65 I think they said. Well, I will close for now, and see what the day brings.

Note to self: The devil doesn't want you to be at your best, because he knows at your best, you are a huge threat to his plans..

Well, this morning I started researching bible studies and decided on Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa Terkeurst. I think it's going to be a good one for us! Praying God opens our hearts and eyes so we can use it the way He sees fit. I did read a chapter ahead and watched the video session, just to see if I was going to get a good feel for it and of coarse right off the bat she talks about not feeling as if she is good enough, that she didn't measure up. She made references about her dad and I though oh boy here we go... but it's not all about us girls with 'daddy issues' as some jerks like to call it. It's about how we go through the motions of going to church, reading our bible, marking things off our check list when really that doesn't get us anywhere. We are still basing life off our emotions and other people when we should be focusing on God and depending on Him. His plan for our lives just might blow us away if we let Him lead.
So, with that said, this quote out of the book has stuck with me some today.
"The thought that I wasn't good enough was more than just a feeling. It had become the filter through which I processed life." 
Well doesn't that just hit the nail on the head?? I've never thought about it really, but I do know it fits more than I'd like it admit. Time will tell. I will get more into it the study once we start it on April 5th.
Tonight turned out to be a little hectic, but that's life right? We had to get new tires for the truck, $$ we didn't want to spend, but we had to have them. Jesse took it to get them put on and on his way home, the break line busted and he had to drive home with no breaks. Thank God for keeping him safe and that he knew what he was doing. I would of freaked out! Is it bedtime yet? WOW . Jenna played outside all night tonight with her friend Cami. She is down visiting family and every time she does they have to get together. We have plans to go to the movies Friday, Lord willing we can all go and get out for awhile. Easter is fast approaching! Jenna wants to do a egg hunt, so I will get them ready and let her do them while Cami is still down. On a up beat note, KLOVE finally came to a local radio station here 94.9!! Woo Hoo So thankful! I use to listen to it all the time when I worked in town, but have been missing it because it doesn't come in here at the house... it does now:)



 http://lysaterkeurst.com/becoming-more-than-a-good-bible-study-girl/