My Story ~ Whats made me, Me

I guess the best place to start this is back when it all started. I was born in Ft. Hood Texas while my dad was stationed there in the Army.

When I was 7 my parents got divorced. Most of the memories before that were of my dad abusing my mom. My dad cheated on my mom and even done so in our house. He smoked weed and his temper was unreal. We lived next door to my Granny and it was the only positive place I had to go to. She prayed for me and everyone else she knew her whole life. So I thought the divorce would be a good thing; not really because then that's when the fighting started to involve me. It was a fight every other weekend. I wanted to go to my dads, he was my dad and I loved him. But he and my mom couldn't be near one another. It got so bad that one time my mom had one arm, my dad had the other and they were fighting pulling me back and forth. My mom had to let me go, it was court ordered and her nerves were shot every time I went. My mom met someone, his name was Ron and God definitely sent him too us. He took me in as his own even though he had 3 kids already. The song, 'He didn't have to be' fits. Things were going better it was still every other weekend and still one parent talking bad about the other but no fighting. I really don't remember what my dad and I done on weekends, but I would cry when I would watch him drive down the road after bringing me back home. At 10 he moved to Ohio for a year or so and I couldn't see him. It was horrible. I later found out he wrote me but mom never let me have them. When I got older I would stick up for my dad to my mom when she would talk about him. I was always the one making excuses for him, trying to justify his actions. He moved back home and when I was 12 my dad got remarried. I hated her, and my dad didn't need anyone else he had me. Right?? That's the way I saw it anyway. We found out that year that my Gpa C had cancer and was dying. He died at home, and before he passed he was on breathing treatments. Well, he could only have 1 treatment every so many hrs. but at the end he was trying to use them all the time. I was over and my Gma C was in the kitchen. I was talking to her and he was yelling that he needed another treatment. She told him no and he got mad. I walked into the living room where he was and he kept saying Help me J.D, Help me.... I couldn't do anything. I will always remember that. He passed away in a coma at home. My brother was born when I was 13 and he is named after my Gpa. At 1st I was jealous, dad had someone new, but as time went on I loved him and wanted to go on weekends to visit him. Mainly bc I thought his mom was a nut and I wanted to make sure he was ok. My dad was still smoking weed and had began to drink more also. He and my step mom would fight all the time and he started beating her too. At 15 my dad moved to a small town to be closer to his work and that's where I met my '1st love.'  I use that lightly now, but back then I was head over heels for a guy that made me think he cared for me too. I knew this person for awhile. We went to his house every other weekend so he and my dad could party. They both smoked weed, which for me to be around was kind of normal. They would go to the bathroom to do it, but I wasn't stupid; and even though I wanted nothing to do with a guy who was like my dad, guess what, it happened anyway. One time we were over at this guys house and he asked me if I wanted a hit. I said No, I knew better. My dad chimed in and said, "If you want to, I would rather you do it with me than someone else." Ii thought then and still think now, What kind of parent says that?! I didn't my step dad was a cop and I did have morals. Ask me today what I think of weed and making it legal. You probably won't get an answer you like. So, this guy was older than me, friends with my dad ... and married... yes I know, I look back on it now and think wth was I thinking, but he gave me attention and that's all I ever wanted. He would come over to my dads and go to the bathroom just so he could stop by at my room at talk to me. I don't know how it really happened at first, but we would kiss everytime he would come back to the back. We hung out all the time when I was down at my dads on weekends. Instead of every other weekend, I would go every weekend. I fell hard, like a fool but like the song says, 'when you're 15 and someone tells you that they love you, you're gonna believe them.' We started meeting up on weekends and the whole summer that followed but when leaving his wife was brought up it was empty promise after empty promise. We drifted apart and my heart was broken. I wished I was older so we could be together like any other couple, I prayed that he would leave his wife (she had a boyfriend) and I wanted to be happy. After all he loved me too right? ..... Then I met Jesse. He was a good guy, never did drugs, was a country boy. He was in the same small town my dad lived in and I had saw him a couple times, but had no idea he was interested in me. He had come over with 'first love' to hang out at my dads for awhile and I remember he was drinking and I asked him how he was going to get home. He said, 'My ol truck knows the way.' Even then I was worried about him and didn't even know him yet! I ran into him one other time and he was all cleaned up and had his cowboy hat on.. I was like what the heck?? You didn't see that in Mt. Carmel haha I had a crush, a guy I went to school with, just a couple years older than me and we hung out a lot. We talked about music, he was always working on his car, and he was at his brothers, my neighbors all the time. I like him, a lot, but he didn't want a steady girlfriend. That always hurt me bc I cared for him and we were together all the time. I mean after school and weekends, every chance we could get. It did work out for the best though, we had a good time and will always have Dazed and Confused :)Well,, I didn't see Jesse much but noticed that they moved into a house that was between my Grandma's house and my aunts house. I just happened to notice his truck in the driveway and would keep an eye out for him when I would go into Cowling on weekends. Well, on my way to my aunts house on Christmas of 96 I noticed he was home and with the help of my cousin, I asked Jesse out. I told him where I lived and he was over the next day. lol He has been part of my life ever since. I find it funny, Jesse still doesn't, but I assumed he knew some about me. Like my parents ect. Well, while I was outside waiting on him, he just drove on by. I thought, well he's just making sure this is the right place. He finally came back and I don't even know if he asked me that day, but a long time after he brought up the fact that he didn't stop because there was a squad car in the driveway. Uhhh yeah, my step dad was a cop. haha He didn't now that information and thought something was going on so he kept driving. Ass. He still says, 'That was need to know information!' It was normal to me, I never gave it any thought. Everyone knew, I assumed he did too. He and I started dating and my dad hated him. So I slowly stopped going to see him. About 6 months later I found out Jesse had been cheating on me. He would drop me off at home at midnight and then go to a ladies house after wards. I was crushed and not sure how I was going to get through it. We were broke uo for awhile and I started seeing someone else. A friend of mine knew a guy that was down on leave from the military. He was related to her husband and thought we would hit it off. We did. I was working at the store in Bellmont and he came to see me. At 1st I had no idea who he was we hadn't met yet, but I remember saying to him, "is that was all you need"and he had this shit eating grin on his face. Once he left he drove close enough to where I could see his Marine Cor stickers in the back of his truck and I about shit. I hurried and called my friend and she was dying laughing. She sent him in to check me out first. Jerk haha Well, we hung out at her house the whole time he was home and even went to his aunts house. We hooked up, (that seemed to be a new pass time for me) and things seemed to be going good. He came down here several times and from what I was told, her really did care about me. But he wanted to settle down, he was home and wanted to get married right away. I was 16... We would talk on the phone some, but he met someone in his home town and was married soon after... Heart break again. I should be use to it. So far I was 0 for 4....I found out at this time that my dad was using Meth and running with one of the biggest meth heads around. My step mom was pregnant at the time with my youngest brother and he was born when I was 17. Jesse and I got back together after awhile and got our own place in December of 98 in my home town of Cowling. Cowling will always be home to me. My whole childhood into early adulthood was based out of Cowling. My Uncle Brian enlisted into the Air Force and I was heart broken. He was my best friend, I felt like once he left dad would surely fall apart. I remember crying and him coming in to check on me and ask me what was up. He tried to make me feel better, but I knew once he was gone, things would be different, it was. It still is. I lost my uncle and my best friend when he went away. He came back for visits, but wasn't the same. Now our relationship is non existent. We lived next door to John and Bridget and I had known her my whole life. John, I didn't know him from Adam and was scared to death of him at first. He was a big bastard haha Well, I finally got to know him and he kinda took Brian's place. We got along, talked about music and I felt like I could give him a hard time and he would give it right back. I would go and hang out if Jesse was working on a Saturday just to kill time. Looking back, I'm surprised Bridget didn't beat my ass. Nothing ever happened with John, but I was of the opposite sex and was hanging out with her husband. It didn't dawn on me back then like it does now lol To me it was a guy to give shit to like I did my uncle. He was the only one I could do that with and he was gone. Now I think it's known to all that I'm going to give John crap, I love him and I do flirt with him, but it doesn't go past that. It's been 15 yrs. I think I'm safe. I'm always going to care, just because that's just me. I wish him the best and I think he knows if he needs anything we are here. I graduated high school that coming May of 99. Being on my own was not as great as thought it would be. We got married in June of 99 and Jesse worked an hr away . Well every night after work he would drink with the guys and then come home at 8 just to go to bed. Not what I expected in our marriage bc he hardly ever drank around me when we were dating. We fought, I started having horrible panic attacks, and fought depression everyday.I thought how did I end up in this mess.  At times I thought it was more than I could take. I didn't tell too many what was going on bc we hadn't been married long and I didn't want to hear what they had to say really. It was my mess, I'd figure it out. I couldn't function any longer. I was missing work because I would have a panic attacks, and since I had one at work, I worried everyday that I would have another one and I usually did. I finally got put on medicine, BUT it took 4 diff ones to finally find one that worked. My dad and step mom got divorced, my dad was doing drugs, treating me like the enemy, and in and out of jail all the time. Things at home were still horrible and I couldn't take it anymore. I moved out in 2001 and had to moved in with my dad and his room mate Robert. I knew Robert, he was the meth head my dad had been ruining w for a few yrs. But this person was different.  He was sweet and thought full, CLEAN, and was there for me to vent to. So a month after living together, Robert and I started seeing one another (where I live you have to be separated 6 months to get divorced).

We hit it off great and my dad never said a word to me, if he was ok with it or not. I knew my dad was still using and drinking all the time now. Then like any other time, I fell flat on my face when I was told Robert was still using meth... I would sit beside him and rub the scars on his arms from where he would shoot up and it would literally make me sick to my stomach and I wished I could take all the pain away he was feeling bc I believed that if I was there enough and cared enough all these people I loved would get better. That I could make them see that they were worth more than the drugs or drinking. I put that on me. I could always 'change' them by caring more. Well, after I found out he was still using we got in a huge fight. I went through all his things, broke every needle I found and went for a drive..... but I had no where to go. My mom was mad at me for leaving Jesse, it would be too much for my granny to deal with, and my Gma C had been diagnosed with ALS. She had to have care 24/7 so I wasn't putting my problems on her. So I went back to my dads. I sat out back on the basement steps, Dad was at work, and Robert was gone, prob getting high. I sat there and cried and smoked a pack of cigs thinking, 'I'm screwed. I have no place to go, no one cares, I'm stuck. How the hell did I get in this mess.' Finally I started praying. My Granny was always the religious one. If things got bad I went to her and she would pray for me. But to tell her I had been cheating with a druggie... I couldn't do it. So, I prayed and prayed until I couldn't cry anymore. My dad would go and stay nights after work w my Gma C bc she couldn't be alone, Robert never came that night either so it was a long night. The next day my dad came home and came into my room. I could tell something was up and he told me that the cops would be looking for him, that it involved my cousin. I knew instantly what it had to do with bc I knew her background on how she was, it didn't take a genius to figure out that they had sex. They were high, and when she sobered up, she said that he raped her.... I can't explain what went through my head let alone the instant feeling that someone kicked me in the stomach. Sure enough he was arrested and the house was left with just me and Robert. I depended on him to help me figure out wth was going on bc I couldn't make sense of it. My dad was in jail for awhile then got out on bail until the trial came. I had been talking to Jesse and telling him what had been going on. We met in town and talked a couple times. He knew I still loved him, we had too much history to just give up on, but I saw what drinking did to my dad and I just couldn't see that in my life.  He had a girl moved into our house and I had no clue until I went to visit John and Bridget one day. John about shit because he didn't want to tell me, but it was hard to hide when he lived right next door. I think it was to get back at me for living w Robert, but whatever. I still cared for Robert, but once I found out and we had a blow up, he was completely different. He was a jerk all the time and I couldn't even be in the same room as him. If he was home, I was in my room. I told him I couldn't do it. I wasn't going to go through all the same crap my mom and I went through when I was little. It's not a lifestyle I could do. I felt bad for him, I did see the good, but I had to walk away. Finally 4 months later Jesse and I got back together. We decided it was time to settle down and try to have a baby. A month later I was pregnant. Yes, 1 month is all it took! Now I had to tell my dad that he was going to be a gpa but he wouldn't be around because he was going to be in prison for rape. It made me sick. Robert had went to visit his kids in Arizona or California, I can't remember which, but he would call and check in with me every once in awhile. He sounded good and he would tell me he loved me, but we both knew that with the baby coming, Jesse was the one that could give me the life I wanted. He wasn't going to get clean, he didn't want to I don't think. Oh the questions I would ask if I could... When I was 7 months along, one evening there was a knock on the door and it was the woman Robert had been dating. She had a jewelry box, pics, and knick knacks in her hand... I could tell by her face something wasn't right. I stepped outside and she told me that Robert had died. He had a heart attack, died instantly.... I was in shock. I'm sure it was because his heart couldn't take the meth any longer. I still don't know how I processed it without going into early labor. I wanted to get mad, I wanted to scream, I wanted to curl up and cry, but how would Jesse react to me going into hiding over an ex?? She gave me all the things back of mine that I had given Robert so he must of talked about me to her? If not she would of never known they were mine.. I went into our bedroom looked through the pics, and jewelry box and cried. Not for long, Jesse was waiting and wondering what was going on I'm sure. I don't even know how or what I told him had happened. Come to find out he knew before me and just didn't tell me. He heard it on the radio news. I fight the guilt of him dying sometimes. Not like I did at first. The If I had stayed with him he would of quit using and be here. I could of made him stop.... right?? Well my dad went to prison and I had my daughter. We went and seen him once and that was bad enough. Seeing my dad, see his grand-daughter while he was in prison made me sick. It hurt and it pissed me off. The end of December, 3 weeks after Robert, my Gma Catt passed away and my dad was in prison. He wasn't able to come to the funeral and Jesse and I were made out to be the bad ones bc I was 'His' daughter, the one whose dad is in prison. He got out when she was a yr old. Time he will never get back. I did start talking to him and seeing him again though and he was a good gpa. Things went good with my family and I realized while I was pregnant not to take time for granted so I spent a lot of my time with my Granny and when I had my daughter we were with her everyday. Just as things got good for me, 3 yrs later my mom and step dad got divorced. This time it was worse than when I was little. Not only was this the only real dad I had around, but it was my daughters papaw.... now what were we going to do. The next yr my granny got really sick. She has several mini strokes and eventually had to have a pace maker put in. She recovered from that pretty well and my daughter and I spent almost every day with her. We would go shopping, out to eat, or just sit in the swing outside and enjoy the sunshine. She was such a great impact on me, the only constant I had in my life. Everyone else walked away but she stayed from day one. I wanted my daughter to have that same love for her, but the following year things got bad. My granny called me and I could not understand a thing she was saying. I told her she would be ok and I had to hang up to call for help. We got to the hospital and my mom and I were standing there and the nurse asked my granny if she knew who those two ladies were (meaning my mom and I) my granny said NO. I lost it I had to walk out of the room. I thought God why would you give us all this time together for her to not remember me? I can't do this, I can't have her not remember. Finally a couple hrs past and she had her memory back. She had congestive heart failure, there isn't anything you can do for it, but be monitored and if she would fill up with fluid they could drain it off but only a couple times before they couldn't do anymore. At this time I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter and I prayed that she would make it to see her before she passed away. I started getting angry, I knew she had a long life, that she lived longer than most, but why now? My girls needed her, I needed  her longer. It wasn't fair. My 2nd daughter was born in May. I had to have a c section which scared the crap out of me. My dad called while I was in the hospital, but not to check in, it was to tell me my x step mom was getting remarried. He was pissed. He didn't care one bit about what was going on with us.  He just needed someone to rant to and knew Jennifer would listen and agree to keep peace. Well, granny did get to meet my daughter and it's a good thing bc she is named after her, but it was bittersweet bc a couple weeks later she was in the nursing home dying. My dad didn't bother to show up until my youngest was a month old. He lives 10 min away and didn't bother to show up. I pulled into my drive and he was here leaving me a nasty note about how it works both ways that I should of called him,  I had a phone too. God forbid he act like a parent and put the effort in for once. I was so mad. Once we got in the house he had his attitude and I wasn't putting my girls through the same crap I was put through with him so I told him it was a bunch of crap the way he has been acting and that he was 10 min away, he could of came sooner.... I told him that my girls deserved better, I took Jenna from him, and told him to leave. I was shaking and called my mom. I told her dad had came and she had to come over bc couldn't understand me. That was the last time I saw him. My girls and I went and seen my granny everyday in the nursing home.I hated that place and they did not take care of her the way they should have. It broke my heart, but I didn't want her to be alone. If God was going to take her back she wasn't going to be alone!  I talked to her and told her about all the memories I had with her. From eating pickles on the front porch swing, to Bee Bee Bumble Bee, and hide the thimble. I wanted her to know I remembered all those special things, that I loved her, but I never once told her she wasn't going to make it. She may have known, but the words were not coming out of my mouth.  The last couple days she didn't respond at all and never once blinked. I sat there with my girls wondering how I was going to tell my oldest she died. I would tear up but fight it just in case she did see me. I didn't want her to see me cry. I wasn't able to be there when she passed, it was a little after midnight I believe and it was storming. I wanted to be there, but mom and Star were there. She knew how much I loved her, her prayers are what have gotten me this far, and I believe God is still working out those prayers on my behalf. Once she passed away, there wasn't a chance I was ever getting that close to anyone again. Why?? They are going to die too whats the point. I was that way for a yr. I missed her, I fought the urge to call her house everyday. What was I supposed to do? My life was with her, everyday. How do u just stop?? How do you tell you daughter we can't go, granny is in heaven and we can't see her.... I was that way for a year! I had a wall up that no one was getting through. My girls suffered, my marriage suffered, I suffered. Then I found out a friend of mines husband was a preacher. I thought well I'll go and see how they are doing. That was 3 yrs ago and I have not been the same since. My granny was religious and I knew to pray, I did it every night that's all u needed to do right? I started going every Sunday and started learning about Jesus and the things He done for us. I may not have my dad, but I have a Father now that will Never bail on me.Ever. I may not have my Granny here with me, but I will see her again and that is the best gift anyone can give me. A yr later I got baptized and I am still learning but I feel like a completely diff person. My past made me who I am, but it will not ruin who I want to become. I know that anything that comes my way can be dealt with. I haven't had it horrible, but it's my story and made me who I am today.

Big Daddy Weave- My Story