Shit day. That sums up my Saturday. Jesse had to get up and go to Scott's of coarse. I just don't understand why he can't spend time with us. If he has a chance to get away, he does. All I want is time with him and he is hell bent on not being here. Him and Scott cut down a tree up by Amy's and we had plans on grilling out once he was back from taking Scott home. That should of been around 1pm, but Raymond called and needed him to cut down some small trees for him so instead of coming home, he went up there. So, the girls and I grilled out by ourselves. Finally at 6pm Jesse came rolling into the drive way. I was not a happy camper and made in know in many different ways, just in case he didn't get it the first go around. Well, that ended up with him not saying 10 words as always, but managing to put it all back on me. I told him I am sure there is someone out there that would love to have a wife that did everything at home on her own and all she wants in return is time to spend with the person she married. I don't want his money, he blows through that enough all on his own. You would think by now we would be passed this shit, but no, it's the same argument every single time. He wants to run like he's single and I want to be with him. If he could just see what it is like to be me, for just one day, to be in my shoes, maybe he would get it. I'm home all the time, I love Jessica but her attitude is horrible some days and the way she treats her sister is ridiculous! It's very stressful and the way I cope is by talking to him or just sitting with him helps me. My anxiety SUCKS at times and all he can say is stop worrying... Oh if it was that easy. I don't sit and dwell on things, it comes when it wants to, without warning. He says, 'Go, do things, I'll see you when you get back.' Really? You are part of a family.. That means you do things together. He can't watch over the girls when I'm here how am I going to leave? I have never been able to leave him with the girls. I did 1 time, and never again. He fell asleep and Jessica was running around the house. I called and she answered his phone. I was scared to death and flew home as fast as I could. They are older now yes, but Jenna would get into something I'm sure and Jessica is so mean to her that she may tie her up if I leave he in charge. After feeling like shit I text John to see what they were doing. He never answers or says he doesn't know where we live just to be a pain in my ass, but he answered and said they would be over in a few! I about cried I am not even kidding!! Finally someone to talk to and give shit too! It's the simple things that matter. I just wanted to get out of my head and be able to joke around with people. It didn't take them too long and John, Bridget, and Jilllian were here. Thankfully. I didn't talk too much, Jesse and John wouldn't let us get in a word edge wise, but at least it broke the tension around here and got us out of our funk.
Sunday was Easter. Thank God for Easter!! We would all be in a world of hurt if Jesus hadn't taken on our sins for us. We got up and had breakfast and hung outside in the swing for awhile. It was nice and warm so we took a Gator trip over to moms and she gave the girls their Easter baskets. Candy, Candy, and more Candy. We stayed for awhile and then headed home. Poor Jenna's allergies were bothering her and she couldn't quit coughing. Once we were home I gave her some medicine and we were in for the evening. It stormed some, so it should rain the next 7 Sundays they say. Time will tell I guess. Jesse had to go and get his books for work so once he got home we sat out in the shed and talked with the kids yelling and screaming in the background. I think it did us some good. We have got to learn to take time for us without all the stress around. it use to be just us and we need that time still. I pray God works in our marriage. With my anxiety and with the walls Jesse has built up over the years. He is not the person he use to be before his parents died. It changed him, for the worse and he just will not deal with it. It has been 13 years and he is worse now than he was when they passed. We need God's work here or we will never make it...
Monday, March 28, 2016
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Another day in the life of...
It's amazing how you can see the devil trying to work in your life when you learn to pay attention. Wednesday was crazy with our tire situation, Thursday Jenna woke up all stopped up because they had been outside the night before, it was raining, and we had to run to Princeton to get Easter eggs and candy. Jessica was in a lovely mood so it made the nasty weather even better. It never fails, she is going to ride her sisters butt for no reason when they are together. I'm constantly playing referee. On top of that there was still air in my brake line that Jesse didn't have time to get out the night before, so I had brakes, I just had to really work to use them. STRESS that is what the day was full of. I haven't been sleeping right lately, probably since may dad went back to jail, and I just can't seem to get a grip on things. Worrying about my dad isn't really forefront in my mind, but I know it effects my subconscious more than I think. I know that he is ok. I know that he is getting his medicine and he is not able to drink. He wasn't supposed to be drinking before, but Susan would get drunk and I'm sure he was too. With that said, I still worry about the fact that no one is promised tomorrow.
What if ( <----- that is the devils term) something happens to him in jail? What if he dies? He's on medicine, and I pray it is working as it should, but things happen. What if something happens to us? He can't just come home. He lost so much weight and looked horrible when he came home this last time. He can't afford to do that again. How am I going to get all his crap out of the apartment and where in the heck am I going to store it? These are concerns of mine, but I don't sit and dwell on them. I know like every other time, it will work out if I sit and worry about it or not. Jesse came home and was in rare form and decided that just for spite, he would stay out in the shed until 9. Just when you think things are going well, the devil reminds you that he is still very much present and working. I wonder if Jesse will ever get it and at times I think I'm a fool for still being here, but like Pearl said, 'that's when you dig in Jen.' We have so many different views on life that it is almost scary and now that I am saved I worry about his salvation more than he does. It would be different if he would give me a little sign of hope, but it hasn't happened yet. In fact it seems like he does the opposite just to prove that he can. Friday once I woke up I checked Facebook like I do every morning. Who needs a newspaper when you have Facebook, right? Well, wouldn't you know it, my 'first love' accepted my friend request... I remember sending him one 2 yrs ago when I saw that he was listed, but never give it anymore thought. I figured he wasn't ever on or ignored it. Of all times for him to be on. Right after Jesse and I had not been seeing eye to eye the night before... That's how the devil works. It seems like that is how this crazy world works. Test after test. There are times where I get so tired of trying. I try my best, feel like I am really the only one trying bc I know what is expected of me, my feelings are constantly getting in the way, and yet I see people that don't go to church or have God in their life, living free with no consequences.I know the devil leaves them alone because he has them where he wants them, but damn. What about the peace Christians talk about? Am I ever going to get there?? Probably not since I tend to beat myself up or never stand up for myself. I know God doesn't expect perfect, but if I did what I really want to do, I wouldn't end up in Heaven either!!
Mom, Sue, Cami, Jenna, Jessica, and I went to Princeton and saw Zootopia at the movies. It was cute and I think everyone had a good time. Cami had to go back home that evening so we gave her an Easter basket and she brought the girls some candy and cupcakes!! Just what they needed :) Jesse came home around 6;30 and we hung out in the shed for awhile. It was chilly last night but supposed to be warm today, 65 I think they said. Well, I will close for now, and see what the day brings.
Note to self: The devil doesn't want you to be at your best, because he knows at your best, you are a huge threat to his plans..
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Well, this morning I started researching bible studies and decided on Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa Terkeurst. I think it's going to be a good one for us! Praying God opens our hearts and eyes so we can use it the way He sees fit. I did read a chapter ahead and watched the video session, just to see if I was going to get a good feel for it and of coarse right off the bat she talks about not feeling as if she is good enough, that she didn't measure up. She made references about her dad and I though oh boy here we go... but it's not all about us girls with 'daddy issues' as some jerks like to call it. It's about how we go through the motions of going to church, reading our bible, marking things off our check list when really that doesn't get us anywhere. We are still basing life off our emotions and other people when we should be focusing on God and depending on Him. His plan for our lives just might blow us away if we let Him lead.
So, with that said, this quote out of the book has stuck with me some today.
"The thought that I wasn't good enough was more than just a feeling. It had become the filter through which I processed life."
Well doesn't that just hit the nail on the head?? I've never thought about it really, but I do know it fits more than I'd like it admit. Time will tell. I will get more into it the study once we start it on April 5th.
Tonight turned out to be a little hectic, but that's life right? We had to get new tires for the truck, $$ we didn't want to spend, but we had to have them. Jesse took it to get them put on and on his way home, the break line busted and he had to drive home with no breaks. Thank God for keeping him safe and that he knew what he was doing. I would of freaked out! Is it bedtime yet? WOW . Jenna played outside all night tonight with her friend Cami. She is down visiting family and every time she does they have to get together. We have plans to go to the movies Friday, Lord willing we can all go and get out for awhile. Easter is fast approaching! Jenna wants to do a egg hunt, so I will get them ready and let her do them while Cami is still down. On a up beat note, KLOVE finally came to a local radio station here 94.9!! Woo Hoo So thankful! I use to listen to it all the time when I worked in town, but have been missing it because it doesn't come in here at the house... it does now:)
http://lysaterkeurst.com/becoming-more-than-a-good-bible-study-girl/
So, with that said, this quote out of the book has stuck with me some today.
"The thought that I wasn't good enough was more than just a feeling. It had become the filter through which I processed life."
Well doesn't that just hit the nail on the head?? I've never thought about it really, but I do know it fits more than I'd like it admit. Time will tell. I will get more into it the study once we start it on April 5th.
Tonight turned out to be a little hectic, but that's life right? We had to get new tires for the truck, $$ we didn't want to spend, but we had to have them. Jesse took it to get them put on and on his way home, the break line busted and he had to drive home with no breaks. Thank God for keeping him safe and that he knew what he was doing. I would of freaked out! Is it bedtime yet? WOW . Jenna played outside all night tonight with her friend Cami. She is down visiting family and every time she does they have to get together. We have plans to go to the movies Friday, Lord willing we can all go and get out for awhile. Easter is fast approaching! Jenna wants to do a egg hunt, so I will get them ready and let her do them while Cami is still down. On a up beat note, KLOVE finally came to a local radio station here 94.9!! Woo Hoo So thankful! I use to listen to it all the time when I worked in town, but have been missing it because it doesn't come in here at the house... it does now:)
http://lysaterkeurst.com/becoming-more-than-a-good-bible-study-girl/
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Today we finished our Bible Study on The Armor of God. Boy was this a tough one! I love to hear her preach, but her study was hard! At times I swore I wasn't smart enough to answer her questions! It took a lot of digging in and I still didn't finish it as well as I would of like to. We had a great time though. We brought in food and just chatted about our struggles this week. So many times you think you are the only on struggling, it made me feel good to know I wasn't the only one who was having a hard time! I have been asked to lead the next study coming up and I'm excited, but nervous also. I just want to pick a good one that everyone will like and can relate to. I do have a couple in mind and am excited to see what everyone wants to do. Today has been an off day for me, I woke up with anxiety, and have been fighting it all day. I know it's because I have been stuffing feelings about my dad and I've not really had a chance to talk it out. That's what I use Jesse for and we have just been too busy to sit and chat (or should I say, he hasn't had time to listen to me rant). I know that's what God is for, that he knows what's going on inside, bu at times I just need to say all these things out loud! Jessica was able to be in Bible Study with us and she kept it interesting! Never a dull moment, but I love that she is open and honest. I do wish she had a filter at times, but hey she is who she is and I wouldn't change her for nothing. She is doing good with homeschooling, but I know it hurts her some socially. Spring Break is coming so it will be busy with sleepovers and days out I'm sure. She is ahead in her work this week, trying to get done with next weeks so she can take off the whole week like Jenna. Well, not a huge day around here. Hopefully a good nights rest is on its way. Have a great day all!
This life is not about me. It’s about joining hands with Jesus to fulfill whatever tasks He sets before me and to share His love with all He brings my way. *Lysa TerKeurst
This life is not about me. It’s about joining hands with Jesus to fulfill whatever tasks He sets before me and to share His love with all He brings my way. *Lysa TerKeurst
March 21,2016
So, a lot has happen since the last time I even thought about being on here but something sparked up an interest in me to start blogging. It may last, it may not haha I'm just an ordinary person. Full time mom/ home school teacher, Sunday school teacher/ W.O.W volunteer trying to make sense in this crazy world.
Since the last time I wrote, I have made amends with my dad. About 3 years ago he had gotten in trouble with the law. DUI then a domestic battery case that broke his probation which I knew would eventually lead him back into prison. I attend church, got saved, and felt the need to try to reach out. I forgave my dad a long time ago. It's what I do. A downfall of mine so it seems.. I forgive easily, people take advantage of that, but I know it is only bc God has given me that ability to do so and that there is a purpose for it.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons/daughters of God.
We started out slow, going to lunch and texting. After awhile, I let the girls meet him at the park a couple of times. I knew it would be hard on them once he had to go to jail, but I look at life as if we are not promised tomorrow. If he had to go for a couple of years, I wanted them to at least know him. What I soon found out was my dad's drinking had become constant. Waking up with it and drinking all day. He would come out to the house (not often) and be drunk. We had a party for his birthday and he was so drunk that he fell over in the kitchen while we were trying to celebrate with his cake and ice cream. I hated that he had to go, but at the time I knew it was the only thing that would get him sober. That didn't make it any easier. Seeing your dad being taken off to jail, sucks. There is no other word for it. What hurts me the most is that I see the good in him. No one else in this world seems to, but this is not the dad I had when I was little. He wasn't perfect by any means, but the devil is using his weaknesses to destroy himself and he can't even see it.
I'm not perfect, if you know me, you are laughing. I don't claim to be. I slip, slide, and fall on my face more times than I'd like to admit, BUT I try. I get off track and God will call me out on it. I try to fit in instead of standing out and being my own person. I think i have to do things I wouldn't normally do to have people like me. In reality, the right people will like me if I just stay true to who I am, who God is wanting me to be. I believe God is calling me out on this and nudging me out of my comfort zone. Several weeks ago we started up a Bible Study at our church. We decided to do Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer and boy was I tested! It started as soon as the study did. The devil picked, prodded, and hounded me the whole time, but what God has done has been amazing! The devil hates that you know? Giving God the glory when the devil wants you to fall more than anything. Well, time came and went with my dad and things were going good. He has been home for 11 months and the only thing that was bad was the fact that he could not find work. Well, we had plans to go out and put in job apps once again. I had talked to him on Tuesday and his PO had came by to see him because he was told Susan had been seen at his house. They are not allowed contact bc of his parole stipulation. Long story, but it didn't matter that they were married. Dad was scared, Susan had told him that the PO looked at her phone and saw where they had talked to each other. Dad stayed on the phone for awhile afraid the PO was going to get a warrant and arrest him. Well, he calmed down and we hung up with plans to meet up Wednesday if it was raining and I would take him around places.I posted this to my facebook that Wednesday night.... "I've been through and been carried through a lot in my life all because I (was raised to and now know on my own that) I believe in a God that loves me, tells me I matter even though He knows all my flaws, and fail Him daily. I have been tested and tried since this study started and I just didn't know why. I've had problems with my girls, my husband, my mom, and ppl I thought were my friends. I've worked through and kept up my studying along with keeping a prayer journal. This last couple of days I've found out some things concerning my dad and instead of keeping quiet, I had to tell him his wife is cheating on him.. I love my dad, it's been a long horribly rough road for us, but the last thing I have ever wanted to do is hurt him. An anonymous person we will say called the parole board (a whole other long story) and told them my dad had contact with Susan (dads wife, which isn't allowed). They pulled her phone records and saw that they had been talking. At noon I was going to take my dad around for the 100th time to put in job apps. He wasn't there, no one knew where he was. He's not allowed to leave without permission so I knew this wasn't good. A few min later I get a text saying he is back in prison for violating parole. I'm at peace.. Does that make any sense? No, but at 7 this morning, God heard me and set my day on His path not mine. I wrote, 'Father, I pray for peace. I pray that I can dig in and stand firm. That I will feel peace within me when the storm still rages around me. I want to lean and depend on You so I can still move forward when times are tough. I do not want to be lacking in peace because that gives the devil room to work. I pray for the Peace only You can give. Amen.' I know life is hard, but stick with your studying, reading, your time with God. I am fully aware that if I had not given my time to this study and to God 1st thing this morning, I would not be as settled as I am now. Hang in there! He hears. If you do your part and obey, He will definitely let you know He's working. I believe He's just waiting on us to slow down and let Him know that we need Him, that Him dying on the cross for us matters, and that we love Him for putting us first when, unfortunately we tend to put him last....." So, this is where we are now. I believe God is going to use this though. We found out that his wife Susan is the one who turned him in. She wanted dad out of the picture and she couldn't do it like an adult. She had to be a chicken shit and have dad thrown back in jail. Another 2 years, hopefully another lesson learned... I hope.
So, a lot has happen since the last time I even thought about being on here but something sparked up an interest in me to start blogging. It may last, it may not haha I'm just an ordinary person. Full time mom/ home school teacher, Sunday school teacher/ W.O.W volunteer trying to make sense in this crazy world.
Since the last time I wrote, I have made amends with my dad. About 3 years ago he had gotten in trouble with the law. DUI then a domestic battery case that broke his probation which I knew would eventually lead him back into prison. I attend church, got saved, and felt the need to try to reach out. I forgave my dad a long time ago. It's what I do. A downfall of mine so it seems.. I forgive easily, people take advantage of that, but I know it is only bc God has given me that ability to do so and that there is a purpose for it.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons/daughters of God.
We started out slow, going to lunch and texting. After awhile, I let the girls meet him at the park a couple of times. I knew it would be hard on them once he had to go to jail, but I look at life as if we are not promised tomorrow. If he had to go for a couple of years, I wanted them to at least know him. What I soon found out was my dad's drinking had become constant. Waking up with it and drinking all day. He would come out to the house (not often) and be drunk. We had a party for his birthday and he was so drunk that he fell over in the kitchen while we were trying to celebrate with his cake and ice cream. I hated that he had to go, but at the time I knew it was the only thing that would get him sober. That didn't make it any easier. Seeing your dad being taken off to jail, sucks. There is no other word for it. What hurts me the most is that I see the good in him. No one else in this world seems to, but this is not the dad I had when I was little. He wasn't perfect by any means, but the devil is using his weaknesses to destroy himself and he can't even see it.
I'm not perfect, if you know me, you are laughing. I don't claim to be. I slip, slide, and fall on my face more times than I'd like to admit, BUT I try. I get off track and God will call me out on it. I try to fit in instead of standing out and being my own person. I think i have to do things I wouldn't normally do to have people like me. In reality, the right people will like me if I just stay true to who I am, who God is wanting me to be. I believe God is calling me out on this and nudging me out of my comfort zone. Several weeks ago we started up a Bible Study at our church. We decided to do Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer and boy was I tested! It started as soon as the study did. The devil picked, prodded, and hounded me the whole time, but what God has done has been amazing! The devil hates that you know? Giving God the glory when the devil wants you to fall more than anything. Well, time came and went with my dad and things were going good. He has been home for 11 months and the only thing that was bad was the fact that he could not find work. Well, we had plans to go out and put in job apps once again. I had talked to him on Tuesday and his PO had came by to see him because he was told Susan had been seen at his house. They are not allowed contact bc of his parole stipulation. Long story, but it didn't matter that they were married. Dad was scared, Susan had told him that the PO looked at her phone and saw where they had talked to each other. Dad stayed on the phone for awhile afraid the PO was going to get a warrant and arrest him. Well, he calmed down and we hung up with plans to meet up Wednesday if it was raining and I would take him around places.I posted this to my facebook that Wednesday night.... "I've been through and been carried through a lot in my life all because I (was raised to and now know on my own that) I believe in a God that loves me, tells me I matter even though He knows all my flaws, and fail Him daily. I have been tested and tried since this study started and I just didn't know why. I've had problems with my girls, my husband, my mom, and ppl I thought were my friends. I've worked through and kept up my studying along with keeping a prayer journal. This last couple of days I've found out some things concerning my dad and instead of keeping quiet, I had to tell him his wife is cheating on him.. I love my dad, it's been a long horribly rough road for us, but the last thing I have ever wanted to do is hurt him. An anonymous person we will say called the parole board (a whole other long story) and told them my dad had contact with Susan (dads wife, which isn't allowed). They pulled her phone records and saw that they had been talking. At noon I was going to take my dad around for the 100th time to put in job apps. He wasn't there, no one knew where he was. He's not allowed to leave without permission so I knew this wasn't good. A few min later I get a text saying he is back in prison for violating parole. I'm at peace.. Does that make any sense? No, but at 7 this morning, God heard me and set my day on His path not mine. I wrote, 'Father, I pray for peace. I pray that I can dig in and stand firm. That I will feel peace within me when the storm still rages around me. I want to lean and depend on You so I can still move forward when times are tough. I do not want to be lacking in peace because that gives the devil room to work. I pray for the Peace only You can give. Amen.' I know life is hard, but stick with your studying, reading, your time with God. I am fully aware that if I had not given my time to this study and to God 1st thing this morning, I would not be as settled as I am now. Hang in there! He hears. If you do your part and obey, He will definitely let you know He's working. I believe He's just waiting on us to slow down and let Him know that we need Him, that Him dying on the cross for us matters, and that we love Him for putting us first when, unfortunately we tend to put him last....." So, this is where we are now. I believe God is going to use this though. We found out that his wife Susan is the one who turned him in. She wanted dad out of the picture and she couldn't do it like an adult. She had to be a chicken shit and have dad thrown back in jail. Another 2 years, hopefully another lesson learned... I hope.
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