Shit Day

Shit day. That sums up my Saturday. Jesse had to get up and go to Scott's of coarse. I just don't understand why he can't spend time with us. If he has a chance to get away, he does. All I want is time with him and he is hell bent on not being here. Him and Scott cut down a tree up by Amy's and we had plans on grilling out once he was back from taking Scott home. That should of been around 1pm, but Raymond called and needed him to cut down some small trees for him so instead of coming home, he went up there. So, the girls and I grilled out by ourselves. Finally at 6pm Jesse came rolling into the drive way. I was not a happy camper and made in know in many different ways, just in case he didn't get it the first go around. Well, that ended up with him not saying 10 words as always, but managing to put it all back on me. I told him I am sure there is someone out there that would love to have a wife that did everything at home on her own and all she wants in return is time to spend with the person she married. I don't want his money, he blows through that enough all on his own. You would think by now we would be passed this shit, but no, it's the same argument every single time. He wants to run like he's single and I want to be with him. If he could just see what it is like to be me, for just one day, to be in my shoes, maybe he would get it. I'm home all the time, I love Jessica but her attitude is horrible some days and the way she treats her sister is ridiculous! It's very stressful and the way I cope is by talking to him or just sitting with him helps me. My anxiety SUCKS at times and all he can say is stop worrying... Oh if it was that easy. I don't sit and dwell on things, it comes when it wants to, without warning. He says, 'Go, do things, I'll see you when you get back.' Really? You are part of a family.. That means you do things together. He can't watch over the girls when I'm here how am I going to leave? I have never been able to leave him with the girls. I did 1 time, and never again. He fell asleep and Jessica was running around the house. I called and she answered his phone. I was scared to death and flew home as fast as I could. They are older now yes, but Jenna would get into something I'm sure and Jessica is so mean to her that she may tie her up if I leave he in charge. After feeling like shit I text John to see what they were doing. He never answers or says he doesn't know where we live just to be a pain in my ass, but he answered and said they would be over in a few! I about cried I am not even kidding!! Finally someone to talk to and give shit too! It's the simple things that matter. I just wanted to get out of my head and be able to joke around with people. It didn't take them too long and John, Bridget, and Jilllian were here. Thankfully. I didn't talk too much, Jesse and John wouldn't let us get in a word edge wise, but at least it broke the tension around here and got us out of our funk.
Sunday was Easter. Thank God for Easter!! We would all be in a world of hurt if Jesus hadn't taken on our sins for us. We got up and had breakfast and hung outside in the swing for awhile. It was nice and warm so we took a Gator trip over to moms and she gave the girls their Easter baskets. Candy, Candy, and more Candy. We stayed for awhile and then headed home. Poor Jenna's allergies were bothering her and she couldn't quit coughing. Once we were home I gave her some medicine and we were in for the evening. It stormed some, so it should rain the next 7 Sundays they say. Time will tell I guess. Jesse had to go and get his books for work so once he got home we sat out in the shed and talked with the kids yelling and screaming in the background. I think it did us some good. We have got to learn to take time for us without all the stress around. it use to be just us and we need that time still. I pray God works in our marriage. With my anxiety and with the walls Jesse has built up over the years. He is not the person he use to be before his parents died. It changed him, for the worse and he just will not deal with it. It has been 13 years and he is worse now than he was when they passed. We need God's work here or we will never make it...