This is been a hard week. Jesse decided to leave this week. He came and grabbed some clothes and left Sunday. Said he was staying at a buddy's house. He is angry, down right hateful, and I don't know what to do. He pushes people away all the time, he is scared of getting close to people and having them pass away. This is the month his dad passed away and he has never dealt with it. It has been 13 yrs and he is worse now than he was then. He beats himself up all the time and he thinks he isn't worth anything. I know that it is the devils doing, that he is putting Jesse through this torment, but what do you do when a person doesn't see that because they don't believe? Jesse came by yesterday and got his tools and loaded them and his tractor on the car trailer. Said he had a tractor motor to pull today and needed his tools. I asked him where he was staying and he said that he was sleeping in his 'buddy's' camper. What a life, huh? I said, 'you know you can't run forever, you gotta deal with things.' I said, 'You never said why you were leaving to begin with?" His response was that he was tired of the 'shit.' I said, 'What shit, me staying home and doing everything, while you run free?" No response to that one of coarse. I asked if he just needed a break or if this was for good and he said he would get back with me on that. I think he just wants to see me squirm, but it's not happening anymore. When he walked out Sunday, I gave him my ring and told him to take it, because it was joke when he gave it to me anyway. Well, before he left yesterday, he said 'your ring is over there in the shed, on the shelf.' I said, What am I supposed to do with it? Wear it again? He said, you can do whatever you want to... While I was watching him load up stuff I began to cry, but tried my best to control it, but it was hard. I wanted to make hateful remarks, hurt him because he has hurt me so much, but I kept saying over and over Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast... We have been through tons, this isn't the first time, but it has got to be the last. Before we didn't have kids, now that we do things are different. He can't play these stupid games and not think it's going to hurt them. Miss Jenna cried most of the day at school Wednesday, and I didn't make her go Thursday. They were out of school Friday so we ran around in Princeton and rented movies to watch that night.
I am learning through this though. We are doing a bible study and the focus of it is to realize that you can not be filled up by People, Positions, or Possessions. In part 1 she talks about 'how this young girl is sitting with a young man and is so badly wanting his acceptance, but that her heart is longing for answers no man will ever be able to supply.' She asks, 'Have you ever let flawed self-perception negatively affect you? Trying to become more acceptable, more worthy, more lovable... She says, 'it became her pattern and WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THOUGHT consumed her way of doing life. I've been there. I am there still. She goes on to say that, 'life can be rough on a woman when her heart gets snagged, entangled, broken, and sometimes shattered in ways beyond repair.' In chapter 1 she talks about how at a young age she felt that she wasn't acceptable the way she was. In the video she talks about when she was younger, she wanted her dad to tell her that he loved her, but because he was a broken man, he couldn't so she would look to others to fill that void. Well, if that wasn't an "Oh Crap" moment. I thought oh great, a study about 'daddy issues' just what I want to do. Well, God had another plan and He knew this season was coming ahead for me.
On page 18 it says, 'Who I thought I was one day fell apart the next. I also was haunted by hurts from my childhood. My father walked out and I felt totally abandoned. Pg 20-21 she talks about how she had prayed and was doing her part on being a good christian girl and God was keeping up His end by healing her little sister who had to have a liver transplant. Things were going good, until she got word her little sister had passed and she says, 'An anger she never knew existed erupted from some deep place within her. She had tried to be good enough to earn His love, but just as her earthly daddy had done, she felt like her heavenly Father had just turned away.' I have been here, I was so angry when my Granny passed away, and I was that way for over a year. I wasn't at peace, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, why I couldn't be happy. Then I felt like I needed to start going to church. My Granny had always prayed for me and when others needed prayer, I went to her to pray for them. I always said my bedtime prayers, wasn't that enough?? I soon found what was missing. I needed God. I needed Him to heal me, to give me Peace. I understand where Jesse is, I know why he is the way he is, but he hasn't found God yet. He is running, chasing things to make him feel better instead of God. I am writing this because I believe God is working, I believe Jesse will find God, and be saved. I know my God is bigger than any trial that comes our way, and I am praying. My faith is in the Lord and the devil can go back to hell where he belongs. God has already defeated him, and he has no place in my family! I have been praying for a long time that Jesse's walls be broken, and I believe God is working on it. It's not going to be easy for Jesse, but it will be worth it. It's not easy on us, but if it grows my faith and helps me become a better person, I'll put on my armor and endure the ride. I feel at peace today, I was up late last night reading, watching the movie War Room, and praying.
I am learning that I can't depend on Jesse to fill up the void my dad left, the void divorce left, the void of losing my step dad left, the void the passing of my Granny left, the void of thinking I will never be good enough... only God can do that. Just like I can't fill the voids Jesse has from his losses. I have tried so hard to be who I thought Jesse needed that I lost site of the fact that it is God's job to fix him, not mine. Jesse will never see things the way I do because no matter how good I think I am being, that doesn't out weigh his hurts.
Jeremiah 29:11 is a popular verse, but look at verses 12-13 too
For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me, and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'
Seek with all your heart, not just some of it. How can you seek with your whole heart when you are trying to give it to others to fill up? I have got to realize I am not the child of a broken home, and I am no longer the person who was abandoned by others. Those are circumstances but not my identity in Christ. Despite my feelings, my identity always stays the same. I am still a loving mom, a great wife, a giving person, and a forgiver. From now on I have to remind myself to let Jesus be the only measurer of my worth.. God never intended for us to rely on others for our sense of well-being. Only He is equipped to provide that. His perfectly stable, unshifting, unconditional love is the only real measure of my worthiness. Psalm 68:5 promises that God will be a Father to the Fatherless. He can and will fill in every gap left by others. As long as I daily make the choice to be guided by His truth, He replaces my hollowness with a wholeness. I have to rest my heart in Jesus only. God loves me and there must be a reason for allowing this season in my life.
John 15:9-11
9. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10.
If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11.
I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.
Notes from Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa Terkeurst
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