Spring Break??

It has been a rough week. When it rains, it pours they say. It has done that literally and figuratively this week. The weather was not Spring Break approved by any means. Both girls now are fighting allergies with stuffy noses and coughs. They have fought all week and J.L. has been so bored that she has done nothing but get in trouble. One day she decided it would be a good idea to color her hands with marker and then make print marks with them... on the bathroom door. She's aggravated her sister, and her sister has yelled... every 2 minutes! They rotted their brains (and mine) with more cartoons than humanly allowed to watch on any given day, and stayed up way too late. Spring BREAK?? Not here. I love my girls, but this has been the most stressful week. I'm stressed about my dad, the girls, finances, and J. Lee. I keep digging in like Pearl says and the devil just keeps fighting. J. Lee doesn't know God and judges things on his own thoughts, not truth. I see the devils work and how he is using him to get his way and when I say something I'm judgemental. We had a huge blow up Thursday which lead to him not coming home until 10:30. All because he said at 5;30 it wouldn't take long for him to be done and on his way. I tried to call at 8:30, no answer. Never fails. He will refuse to answer because he knows I will worry. How hard is it to come home? He would rather drive around in his truck and avoid responsibilities than be at home. What he doesn't see is that he is not just hurting me, but the girls too. He will say, 'there you go, putting the monkey on my back.' I tell him point blank that I can not do it all on my own and he comes back thinking I'm putting it all on him. I'm just asking for a little help. How hard is that??  Well, at 9 I called and kept calling because I was pissed off. He answered, finally and said he was just getting done. I didn't believe it then and still don't now, but I can tell you things are going to change. I do everything for him, and stay home with Jessica instead of running and blowing money. Well, if he thinks it's ok to run and do what he wants, we will too. The only way he is ever going to change is when he realizes that he needs God. I can't force that, but I can pray about it. I worry, he will never come around and about his life after here, but if he doesn't get it, that's on him, not me. He says I have changed, since 'I got that Bible in my hand.' But he says it in a bad way. I can't see how I have changed that much, maybe it's because I still see how far I have to go. I feel like when  he says, 'church ppl are a bunch of hypocrites' that he is judging me not vice versa. So far I have seen people judge us 'church goers' way more than I do them, and I'm still the bad guy. That's how the devil works though, he puts hate in them to where they think 'we' are all talking about 'them.' That is not the case. We are all just trying our best. The difference is I know I can not do it on my own, BUT I can when I let God lead. That is the hardest thing for me,and I fail at it daily. I have got to give it all to Him and step away. I feel like if I step back all of this will have been wasted. 20 years worth. I see that I am the only one fighting to keep it together and once I back away, J. Lee will just fall away. I have never been around someone where getting Saved was a bad thing. Not until now, and he should be the one that is happy about it. We are together, I am raising our girls right as in learning about God, and yet it still isn't good enough. I think in some way he thinks that I expect him to be perfect because I go to church.. I'm not even perfect and I am the one that got saved.. so how could I think he should be? I have never said that I expect him to be, but I think he knows he is doing wrong and wants to change, but doesn't know how. Once he had his heart attack, my anxiety got worse. He is alone most days so when he doesn't answer his phone, I panic. I know he is busy so I wait to hear from him. The longer the wait, the worse I get and he doesn't see that. He thinks he is being cute by hitting the fuck u button when I call and then he wonders why I get pissed off... Are we not past this crap yet, Seriously?? I feel like it is a never ending battle. We just keep going around the same mountain over and over. We have good days. Some weeks are great and I let my guard down and then BAM! It starts all over again.....